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This is another old entry I wrote while Mr. Wilson and I were no longer dating and right before he popped back into my life and proposed. These are just more thoughts I hope I can share with my daughters some day when they’re in the throws of love, life, and figuring crap out.

What Kind of man do I want, anyway?

My first husband was a total dream boat. He was mysterious and quiet. He was cool and edgy. Two years after we got married, my quiet, cool, edgy exhusband left me and our 16 month old daughter (and our unborn baby) for a fat-assed (I’m jealous) married woman he worked with.

Aw, I’m not bitter (anymore).

Actually, I’m insanely grateful. It took some time but I can honestly say THANK YOU JESUS for the worst trial of my life. It was earth shattering and indescribably painful, but worth every puffy-faced tear I cried. I never would have left him had he not kicked me out of our house so his girlfriend could move in. I’d be stuck with a selfish, manipulative, gluttonous man who is now living with his mother at 31 years old because of very poor life choices.

But what I really want to talk about it this: WHAT am I looking for in a man anyway?

After exhusband came Dentist. I dated dentist for 3 months. Tis all! 3 months and I was ready to marry the guy. He thought I was just so beautiful and smart and we got along so well (kind of). He made lots of money, he was mormon, he was responsible. Suddenly, 3 months in, after talks of marriage and “what if’s”, he walked. He got scared and took off. I was so sad. It stirred up horrible feelings of loneliness and fears of being alone forever.

A few random guys hung around in the months following Dentist but then out of nowhere came Guy. My friend set me up with him. He was a close friend of her husband. They raved about his character and humility. As I stalked him on Instagram I knew I was doomed. He was beautiful and funny and won the hearts of all of his friends. He so quickly won mine. We dated for 9 dreamy months. I’ve never felt so alike to another human. He made me feel so loved and appreciated. He looked at me with the most heart stopping gaze and I could feel the love and admiration he had for me. What a gift he was. What an experience it was!

After 9 months he still didn’t want to get married and felt perhaps he’d never reach that point with me. As sure as I was that he loved me, he could never say it. He ended the relationship to pursue another course and I was wrecked. I resumed behaviors that were foreign to me my whole life – except for when exhusband had left me. I stopped eating, stopped studying, COULDN’T STOP crying. My heart was crushed and I could barely keep it together at work. I cried in front of my children uncontrollable sobs while my 3 year old pleaded with me to be happy (yes, that type of scenario brings lasting shame to me as a mother). It took me a few weeks to realize that this was more than just heartbreak. This was PTSD exploding from my insides, screaming at me to take notice and get help. But that’s a whole separate blog post.

The point of this post is to say I’m not sure if I trust my own heart sometimes. I chose exhusband and he was a monster. I chose Dentist, but looking back there were major character flaws that would have been really hard to be married to. Maybe once I’ve moved past Guy I’ll be able to see the faults in that relationship that I was blind to in the midst of my infatuation. Who knows. I swore Guy was in love with me but just scared to take on a wife and two kids. But he never ever said he loved me. He left me. I could never leave someone that I loved. Once I “love”, I’m in. I’m committed. I’m with you. I’ll stand by you. I might not have the best judgement of others at times, but I’m sure of the way I love and the commitment I’m capable of giving.

I guess that’s what I want…I want a man that loves the way that I love. That’s committed the way that I am committed. Everything else can be negotiated.