Last year, I dated Guy for a while. It was the best relationship I’ve ever been in. Unfortunately, he broke my heart and set off in search of girl that isn’t me. I’ve had a really hard time bouncing back from this break up! Actually, it’s been embarrassing how out-of-control I’ve felt lately. In my efforts to get over him, to move on, and to heal, I’ve been forcing myself to date other people and put myself back out there. With every date I go on, I find myself stuck in comparison mode. It’s unfair and self sabotaging, I know. I’m hung up on the last guy. I shouldn’t be, because he was dumb enough to dump me and that makes him a jerk. But here I am.
But the other day, my best friend asked me this question:
If the perfect guy for me was right in front of my face, would I even recognize it?
Not at all.
I’m stuck and blind. I feel completely incapable of loving another human being right now. I’ve heard people use this line, or ones similar before: “I just don’t have anything to give”, “I’m emotionally unavailable”, or the classic “It’s not you, it’s me.” Until now, I’d always thought those were just excuses. But I finally get what that feels like. It’s always been so easy for me to love someone. My check list is small and my heart is big so naturally, I’m an easy girl to win over. But as I’ve gotten hit a few times, I’ve built up walls, reprioritized my check list, and set up camp at “High Expectations Park”. Get my drift? The last guy set the bar high. I’m not settling.
But it’s a little bit more than that. I feel really incapable of being in a relationship with anyone. I’m so STUCK in my own head. It’s a first, and it feels weird. But I don’t know what to do about it. Any ideas?
I read this article the other day and never have I felt so incapable of ALL the items listed..
These are their 6 tells that you’re ready to love someone:
- You look at a person for what you can love about him instead of picking apart why he is unworthy. – I mentally PICK men apart. It’s brutal.
- You are willing to love someone when you cannot get close to him or her. – I’m not willing to put in the extra effort required for long distance or for something that affects my work/family schedule.
- You are okay with the frustration of being misunderstood and taken for granted sometimes. – Nope! No thank you. If we aren’t communicating well, if he isn’t understanding my needs or why I’m frustrated, forget it. I’ll figure it out myself.
- You feel stupid (for sharing your feelings, for giving love another chance, and you’re okay with it). – No. I’m not giving love another chance, I don’t care what he thinks about me so I don’t feel stupid. However, when I do decide to give it another go, I am definitely going to feel stupid.
- You stop wondering what someone else can add to your life. – I used to be really good at this one. I focused on what I could do for them and how we could benefit each other. Now I just look at all their flaws and think about why it isn’t worth dealing with.
- You want to give love the right way. – Again, this is just NOT me right now. I’m so selfish, so in my own head. I’m definitely in “Protect Paige” mode these days. I want to find someone who can LOVE ME, not someone who I can give love to.
It’s bizarre, this whole relationship thing. I really feel like I was this way – all 6 steps – with Guy. I was in it. It was good.
Now, I’m just… bleh.
Oh and here’s this one: click me.
I don’t feel like I’ve got all of these things figured out right now either; some of them, but not all of them.
I don’t feel much these days, but I do feel like laughing as I think about it! I might be going crazy.