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tired

I’m really struggling to organize my thoughts today. This isn’t unusual behavior. There are a lot of days when I can’t manage a coherent thought. But somehow, writing things down helps my brain to sort through them and place them where they need to go so I’m going to give it a try.

Lately, I’m finding a lot of my feelings should go straight to the trash.

For myself, I really have to step back from time to time and evaluate if what I’m feeling is rational and if it’s something I should even be dwelling on.

HOW do I feel? WHY do I feel this way? Is this something that I need to work on? Or is it something that I’ve conjured up out of doubt and insecurity? <<Those feelings run rampant through my feeble, tired mind. I’m constantly bumping into them and having to scrub them out with positive self-talk.

Recently, I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist again. I’m wondering if these reoccurring negative feelings are normal or if perhaps I’m crossing into a threshold that’s dangerous. I worry that at some point, all of the stress and the depression are going to drive me over a line I can’t come back from.

As I’ve analyzed my current state (which is pretty much all over the place: up, down, backwards, excited, miserable, etc) I’ve realized that there are tons of life factors contributing to my emotions that probably mean I’m super normal considering the state of my life…

1. I’m a single mother to two small, needy, whiney, wild human beings. This entails all sorts of stress. I worry constantly about whether or not I’m getting this parenting thing right. I have to deal with an absent father/ex-husband. I’m constantly cleaning, cooking, bathing, kissing, punishing these mutant angel/monster babies.
2. I have a real job – nuff said.
3. I’m taking 12 credits a semester.
4. I sleep 4-6 hours a night.
5. I rarely drink water – mostly just caffeine.
6. I’m two years out from a heartbreaking divorce involving adultery, lying, and manipulative emotional abuse – massive trauma.
7. I’m a few months out from a devastating break-up from someone I was head over heals in love with.
8. I’m living in a new city where I have little physical and emotional support.
9. I’m dating and it’s horrible (but I’m trying really freaking hard to be positive).
10. I think my hormones are massively out of whack. -reminder that I should have my blood tested.

Should I keep going? Yah..let’s get it ALL out.

11. (Brace yourselves..this is a little awkward) I’m not getting the physical attention I need.  Get my drift? I’m a sexual being. Pretty much every one who knows me, knows this. I crave physical touch more than others and being mormon, I have to work extra hard to keep that desire in check. Even though it’s an awkward topic, it’s a major contributor to my mental state. Sex outside of marriage hurts me emotionally, I’ve learned this again and again in my past relationships. But going from those types of relationships to NOTHING at all, that’s a new kind of emotional turmoil.
12. I rarely have time for the gym and when I do, I feel guilty putting the girls in the hands of yet ANOTHER babysitter.
13. My soul craves creativity – DIY projects, painting, drawing, building, crafting. But I never have time for that either. This is the one thing that I KNOW builds my self confidence. I need to work this one in better.

*Disclaimer – “Never have time for” can also be substituted for “I’d rather be asleep since that never happens anymore.”

Now that all the complaining is out of the way (I’m sure many of you can relate and even TOP the items on my list) I need to mention how GOOD God is. Amidst all the yuck, I can feel him there in the background encouraging me to keep pressing forward. It’s like I’m running around a video game getting shot at and blown up and punched over and over again, watching my life bars quickly disappear.  But somehow I find just enough armor, just enough amo, just enough resources to keep playing the game.

Somedays I feel like I’m holding on for dear life. Other days I forget that anything is wrong at all. It’s wild and it’s exhausting. This is life I guess.