Thanks Divorce, This Roller Coaster Ride Is SO Fun.
I’ve always been pretty even tempered. Even after going through the hardest parts of my divorced, I reached a point where my emotions stabilized again. Days got easier, sadness went away almost all together. So right now, as I’m struggled to maintain my composure each day, I’m wondering what in the world is happening inside of me.
I start the day like most humans do – dreading the sound of my alarm clock and fighting for the will to get out of bed and go to work. But once I’m up, I’m up. I love going to work. I love my job and the people I work with. After work, I pick up my girls from daycare and we head to the park or just go home. Slowly as the evening goes on, my demeanor starts to change. My confidence wains, my patience disappears, my desire to progress fades. I sink into a cloud of grey.
Why? I feel like it could be a number of things.
My kids are a handful and I’m doing it alone. As sweet and wonderful as they are, they’re a challenge. Especially to handle all by myself each and every day. They’re still learning how to play together. Lots of screaming and crying happens when someone doesn’t get their way. They’re still almost fully dependent on me so I’m constantly being asked for help, snacks, drinks, crisis management, butt wiping, etc.
I don’t have any time to do things that build my confidence. I know what they are! That’s a good thing. I just don’t get time to do them. Riding my bike, reading good books, painting, DIY projects. Those are things I’m good at and that build me up. When I can create and learn about topics I enjoy, I feel empowered. Right now with work, school, and children that need me every few minutes, I literally don’t have time for myself. The only solution I can see is to sacrifice more sleep. But then I’m miserably tired and running only on caffeine.
I’m dependent on caffeine in a bad way. Yerba Mate and Yellow Red Bull are my primary sources of hydration. The trouble with this addiction is that 1.) it costs a lot of money. 2.) I’m worthless without it. I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t sleep and it’s killing me during the day.
I get about 5 hours of sleep a night and for ME, that’s death. Ask my mother, I’m a sleeper. I need 8 hours consistently to function properly and I haven’t had that in over 3 years. Even with 5 hours of sleep at night, I wake up at least once every night to help one of the girls – sometimes both. Did you know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture? It’s insane the effects that it has on our minds. I swear I’d be the COOLEST and SMARTEST girl if I slept the way I should. Anyway..
My last breakup has really shaken me. I know we weren’t married. He never promised we would be. He was always very honest about his hesitations with being capable of taking on “the whole package” but still… it’s affected me as much as my divorce. It’s just been in a different way. My divorce shattered my ability to trust anyone, including myself. With all the lies and cheating and hurtful things, I realized people weren’t always who they claimed to be. With Guy, it’s been a different kind of hurting. He loved me in every way your partner should love you. He showed me how perfect a partnership could be. We were SO CLOSE to having everything. But ultimately he chose to leave. For Guy, he worried he would always feel angry and jealous of ExHusband for different reasons. He didn’t see hope in overcoming those feelings. So, he left. It makes me feel many things: unloveable, unworthy of effort, unworthy of someone normal, hopeless to find someone that wants me AND my daughters. I feel broken. My heart is broken. I felt love, the best kind, and I’ve lost it.
Every day I have moments, sometimes hours of feeling good and confident that I’m going to get over this hurdle soon. But in those moments I think about the crash that’s coming later and I try so hard to skip that part. What goes up must come down…that’s what I think about during these highs. And sure enough, later that day, I get way down. I cry most days. Sometimes just a tear, sometimes an entire ocean. I think the lows are coming with less intensity and less often, which makes me feel hopeful. But still, I’m exhausted from hurting for so long. This roller coaster I’m on every day is uncomfortably stretching me and I worry about my elasticity and my ability to recover.
Where is God in all of this? I see him in my moments of peace. I praise him with gratitude for those moments where I feel relief. But when I’m low, I wonder how long he is going to let me suffer? How much time does he want to put me through the refiner’s fire? What does he want me to learn?
When does it end?