I don’t know anyone who has experienced this yet but my ex husband never did and still doesn’t admit to having any kind of affair. There was a lot of indisputable evidence, humiliating experiences that confirmed what I suspected was happening. I’ll keep them to myself, though it’s hard for me to write a compelling and relatable post without exposing embarrassing things that are unfair to expose publicly about another person.
But even with eyewitnesses, he still denies any betrayal. This is so unsettling to me. 90% of the time, I’m fine. He doesn’t have any hold on me. I’m happy again. I’m remarried to an AMAZING human, I love my job (that I never would have gotten had it not been for my divorce and deciding to go back to school).. I rarely give my ex husband any thought and am eternally grateful that he left me.
But every once in awhile, the past comes up in a fight as to why I don’t trust him with our daughters. He doesn’t understand that his decisions have lasting effects on other people. He believes that because TIME has passed, that trust should be restored. But because of the way he tortured me emotionally, his lies shattered my ability to trust ANYONE for a long time. It’s going to take time plus actions to restore some kind of trust between him and I. It’s in these discussions that he still denies doing anything. He blames me for leaving and he tries to make himself look better because he wasn’t the one who filed for a divorce. He tells me I should feel sorry for him because his life is so hard now and I should cut him a break when he lies about where he and the girls are sleeping when he has them…I can’t even write this without feeling anger. I’ll try again another day. This is a recurring scenario that I think needs to be shared but it’s the one thing I struggle to talk about peacefully. Sorry gang. I’m sure you can relate.
Let’s take it in this direction… One of these fights happened not too long ago and Mr. Wilson saw a broken side of me that he hasn’t seen before. He saw the tortured side of me that I repress as often as I can. This small part of me comes out roaring when my integrity, my loyalty, and my decisions are questioned. From my experiences with my ex husband I learned that I’m a strong and loyal woman. I learned that I was willing to fight for my family and wait on my husband. I learned that I was willing to forgive and move forward. But when I wasn’t given the opportunity to do that, I was forced to take my life into my own hands and do everything I needed to take care of myself and my two children – because HE was NOT going to help us. When he tries, in any way, to accuse me of doing ANYTHING to deserve the ripping apart of my family, a serious fire grows in my belly. THIS is the side of me that spews venom. This is the side of me that refuses to forgive him.
Ultimately, this is the side of me that needs a lot of work still.
We talked about forgiveness in Relief Society last sunday and the whole time I kept thinking, “YES! But how?” I agree, I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to feel the way that I feel when he triggers that demon inside of me. I don’t want to be prideful about this. I don’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to NEED him to admit he did what he did.
I want to forgive him.
I want to move forward.
I want Mr. Wilson to never have to see that side of me again because that isn’t me.
I’m strong. I’m capable. I’m smart. I’m creative. I’m loving. I’m full of empathy. I’m trying as hard as I can.
So what? How? As much as I’ve moved so far forward from all of this, there are still these moments when this insanely angry and betrayed woman wants to teach a man a serious lesson.
How do I get rid of her?