Two years ago, with a baby in my belly, my marriage exploded. Anticipating O’s birth was dreadful. Q and I left Utah and returned to Washington to live with my parents. I cried myself to sleep for months as I counted down to O’s due date.
I was husbandless, struggling with trust and abandonment; I was terrified that I’d resent the entire experience and even more so that I’d resent this sweet girl by no fault of her own. I dreaded delivering this girl without the support of my spouse – knowing that he was now living life with the woman I had been replaced with.
But what came from this trial was the most heavenly experience I’ve ever had. I can’t describe the flooding of love and community I felt as O made her way into my arms.
God was so clearly present in that moment. Every doubt, every fear, all of the loneliness I felt disappeared and was replaced with faith and hope. That, to me, is the atonement. It was incredible. I’m so grateful for O who turns 2 this week. I’m grateful for all the hard moments that I can look back on and recognize the Savior in them. They give me hope that the hard moments I face now and in the future will one day end and I’ll have more reasons to praise Him.